and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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