I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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