Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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