At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
