margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
