Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
