New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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