sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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