I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
