I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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