it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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