They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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