I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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