I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
even my farts smell like vagina
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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