Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
