Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
