How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I met the friendliest cop last night
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize