i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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