Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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