1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
