You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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