D3 body, D1 cock
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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