I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Randomize
