This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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