You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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