My underwear smells like fireworks.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
