I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
