oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
