is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
