My pussy is not your playground.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
