nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize