You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
