my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
