Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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