My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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