I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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