My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
