I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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