I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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