I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
