Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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