Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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