A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
