Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
