I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
birth control should be required to get into college
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
