I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
