Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
