She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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