How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
