I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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