i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
