I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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