I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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