I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize