I could make wine with my vomit
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
